saturday

[penceyperp]

i think i have to come to terms with the fact that my life will never begin. i'm waiting for something that will never happen. it's a fantasy. nothing will change unless i change, but i am broken. and none of this will ever be a big deal to anyone except for me.

i will sit here, forever, grieving the life i was never even going to have, choking over it as if it was something that was promised to me and cruelly ripped away, when the truth is that all of this is my fault. i can prove this just by looking around me and seeing everybody else live. you have to build your own life and i never did, and now it's too late. i don't have the means or the will. that's on me, i guess.

nobody else i know struggles like i do. i can't talk to anyone. i can't relate to anyone. it's embarrassing. i have too much regret and shame to lug around all the time. life is too long to endure but too short to fix. too much time but not enough.

either make peace with it or die; those are my options right now. be okay with being a complete nothing of a person, having never achieved or experienced anything, alone and isolated, or kill myself. haha.

so much for keeping this blog positive...