here are my updates:

the cat died.

it was my girlfriend and i's 10th anniversary.

i saw my brother for the first time since december and he acted like i didn't even exist.

my hair is falling out because of my eating disorder.

i am planning to get worse.

i'm at my mum's for 4 days and i'm dreading the loss of control over my diet. i can already feel how much weight i'm going to put on.

my misery loves company, so naturally being miserable about this makes me miserable about everything else i try to keep at the back of my mind.

i would love to feel in control of my life without having to resort to extreme measures.

i think i have to come to terms with the fact that my life will never begin. i'm waiting for something that will never happen. it's a fantasy. nothing will change unless i change, but i am broken. and none of this will ever be a big deal to anyone except for me.

i will sit here, forever, grieving the life i was never even going to have, choking over it as if it was something that was promised to me and cruelly ripped away, when the truth is that all of this is my fault. i can prove this just by looking around me and seeing everybody else live. you have to build your own life and i never did, and now it's too late. i don't have the means or the will. that's on me, i guess.

nobody else i know struggles like i do. i can't talk to anyone. i can't relate to anyone. it's embarrassing. i have too much regret and shame to lug around all the time. life is too long to endure but too short to fix. too much time but not enough.

either make peace with it or die; those are my options right now. be okay with being a complete nothing of a person, having never achieved or experienced anything, alone and isolated, or kill myself. haha.

so much for keeping this blog positive...

one of my biggest regrets out of the billion or so that i have (guinness world record holder for most regrets) is that i stopped writing. i feel like writing was perhaps the only form of self-expression i had, and possibly the only real hobby i've ever had.

i used to seriously love writing. i rarely finished anything (if ever), but i started something new almost every day, and it was fun, and it didn't matter that it was pointless or stupid. it didn't have to mean anything! it was just for me.

unfortunately, it's been almost a decade since i last even attempted to write something, and depression has rotted my brain so badly that i couldn't string a coherent sentence together even if i had a gun to my head. i know that the way i form thoughts has changed drastically; i used to draft my writing in my head first, and now i'm lucky if i have a thought that i understand. my head is no longer compatible with me. i need a translator. it's like a caveman grunting in there.

i've tried so many hobbies since then but none of them stick. sewing, clay, drawing (lmao), gaming... i've even tried learning languages, learning to code, learning to fix electronics, but it all ends the same. maybe these failures boil down to my inability to learn, or my inability to enjoy things, or just my general inability to just be.

so i'm in the market for a new hobby. it has to be idiot-proof and cheap. a baby should be able to do it and also afford it.

i showered today but that's literally it.

i don't think i've had a single positive thought today. i barely even remember most of the day tbh.

i got a drawing tablet for cheap in an ebay auction so i guess i'm looking forward to that. i don't know why i bought it because i have zero drawing skill whatsoever, but maybe it will be fun to doodle tamagotchis or something. any kind of distraction is good.

this is supposed to be my positive blog, and my deadjournal is my negative blog, but they're sort of both negative, aren't they? this is me trying to be positive.

i should probably go to bed now.

tried to put together a grid of the most important albums of my life



it's painful to think about the albums i left out haha


ig my taste in music is pretty basic lol

tomorrow i might try to fix my old (OLD) laptop...

i'm a hoarder in every sense of the word so the fact that old files and pictures are on there and i can't get to them is killing me. this nostalgia addiction i have is also killing me.

i didn't really do anything today. i wrote my friend a letter finally. hopefully i will send it this week. i showered. i cut myself. that's about it. obviously i'm not doing well at the moment.

if there's one thing i've always sucked at, it's having hobbies. i hate being bad at things, but unfortunately i'm naturally bad at everything. i was too depressed to push through the fear and discomfort of failing, and now i'm too old and brain rotted to try.

i do like sewing, but it takes forever and kills my back haha.

just have to hope this depressive episode lets up a bit so i can read again.

i made a tamagotchi plush... i'm calling him emotchi. only after i had finished did i realised that there had been no foot on my sewing machine the entire time.

it's nice to do something vaguely productive but i would much rather be a normal person out in the world than hunched over making some pointless crappy toy. ha ha ha. my back hurts.

i'm going to try to read now. i've been trying to read more again but i've only managed 4 books so far...